• First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
• Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
• Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
• When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
• A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
  The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
  She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
• A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
• Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven't seen each other for years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says "My what a magnificent ring." Her friend relies, "Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes with my husband!"
• Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
• Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
• One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.
• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
• A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
• I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
• We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
• If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep

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2. I used to come here all the time with my ex.

3. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

4. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

5. I like clay. It's mushy.

6. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

7. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

8. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

9. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.

3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.

4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.

5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

6. A gift certificate.

7. Cash.

8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't